All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
