I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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