I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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