I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
