I am spending my child support on dildos
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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