She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
