I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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