im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I supernannyed him into submission
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
