Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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