I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
