Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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