Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
