I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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