peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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