I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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