I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize