I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
