I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
