does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
