I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
