I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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