Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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