This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
