She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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