i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
