he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
