i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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