I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
