Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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