So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
