I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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