I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
