My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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