Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
