The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
