Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
