I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
