Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
