Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
