i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
