i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
