i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
