Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
