i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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