maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
