In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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