I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
