i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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