How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
