Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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