I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
