Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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