It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
