Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
