idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
