His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
