If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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