Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
