I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
